Michael Ian Black

Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/GettyNow that Judge Juan Merchan has ruled that the World’s #1 Dad, Donald Trump, is permitted to skip a day of his criminal trial to attend his youngest son Barron’s high school graduation, I thought it might be a nice idea for a professional writer to prepare some remarks for the former president to deliver to the graduates. Just a few words of life advice from an old man who has seen and done it all.And, because I’m a generous spirit, I decided to take up the assignment myself.I’ll set the scene. As the high school band performs a stirring rendition of The Village People’s “YMCA,” President 45 strides onto stage, perhaps performing his “I’m flossing the space between my ears” dance. Magic.Read more at The Daily Beast.

Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily BeastDear (former, best ever) President Donald Trump,We’ve had our disagreements over the years, some of them pretty bigly. But if there’s one important lesson you’ve taught me, it’s that we should never let personal grievances, ethics, or the law stand in the way of a good business opportunity.As your legal fees continue to mount by the millions, your Truth Social stock tanks, and the bond for your $454 million judgment for sexually assaulting E. Jean Carroll is rejected (so unfair!)—now’s the perfect time to explore a new income stream that can capitalize on the attention you’re getting over rumors you’ve been audibly farting in the courtroom during your first-ever criminal trial.Read more at The Daily Beast.

Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily BeastAs the first criminal trial against a former President of the United States gets underway, the biggest question facing both sides is this: How do you find twelve impartial jurors when it comes to the subject of the twice-impeached sexual assailant, serial liar, fraudster, and Bible salesman who once held the highest elected office in the land?At this point, is anybody impartial? How is true impartiality regarding Donald Trump even possible? If 12 such people even exist, I wouldn’t trust them to sit on a toilet, let alone a jury.Nevertheless, the Constitution demands we seat 12 Americans to sit in judgment, and so I tried to put myself in the shoes of a prospective juror. Could I set aside my own somewhat biased (I hate him) feelings regarding the defendant to ensure that he gets a fair trial?Read more at The Daily Beast.

Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily BeastKennedy got it wrong. The real Kennedy, not the nepo baby crackpot currently rasping around trying to get Trump elected. I’m talking about his presidential uncle, JFK, who famously declaimed: “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”It’s a good line. Folks love that line. It’s also total BS.The fact is, most of us are here by happenstance. We found ourselves pushed into a world neither of our making nor our choosing. The fact that we find ourselves in this particular nation at this particular time is no more than luck of the draw. So why do I owe a single, solitary thing to this landmass on which I find myself?Read more at The Daily Beast.

Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/GettyIt’s hard out here for a pimp. This week, representatives for sneaker salesman Donald Trump told a New York court that the fake university founder cannot secure a bond for the nearly half a billion f-ing dollars he owes for fraud.That sum is, of course, on top of the hundred million dollars he already owes for sexual assault. Dude is on the hook for six hundred million dollars, plus legal fees, plus the cost of bronzer and hairspray for court appearances.I don’t care who you are—that’s a lot of money to not have. And to make matters worse, it turns out this guy also wants to be President of the United States.Read more at The Daily Beast.

Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily BeastThe mass deportations have begun! (Not yet at the border, but closer to D.C.)After installing prominent karaoke singer Lara Trump as co-chair of the Republican National Committee (RNC), Donald Trump’s team lost no time pushing out around 60 party apparatchiks.The reason for the removals, according to Politico, is that among Trump folks who have yet to be stabbed in the back themselves, the MAGA feelz have determined the RNC has become “bloated and bureaucratic.”Read more at The Daily Beast.