I’m normally a fan of the alternate uniform, and love seeing them revealed — but the Colts decided to rob me of that joy on Thursday morning.
What in the ever-loving world of Kentucky-ass football are these? We’ll get back to this whole “Indiana Nights” thing, because it’s hilarious. For now, let’s focus on these uniforms, which look like Cookie Monster decided to cosplay as Darth Vader for an evening.
Seriously, y’all, you have one of the best, cleanest, and most-iconic uniforms in all of the NFL. Somehow this alternate manages to strip out every positive element and replace it with too much blue, and black — taking away all your brand recognition in the process.
Did you model this off the St. Louis Battlehawks? That’s not a rhetorical question.
The all-blue would be bad enough, but if you look closely it has these weird little white flecks in it. It makes the uniform look like flannel pajamas from an old-timey cartoon where the character has buttons holding up their butt-flap.
What exactly is an “Indiana Night”? Indianapolis itself is a pretty cool city, but outside of that not so much. If you’re repping the whole state then is an “Indiana Night” when you decide to eat mayonnaise out of the jar on the porch instead of at the dining room table? I had an unfortunate time living in the midwest and traveled through Indiana a lot, and the most memorable thing I saw outside of Indianapolis was a drug store called “Butt Drugs.”
There was a liquor store inside too that said “Butt Liquors” above it. I think I’m mostly talking about Butt Drugs now because it’s an avoidance technique, so I don’t need to talk about these uniforms anymore.
Anyway, also why in the name of all that is holy are you having Alec Pierce show off this thing? Why yes, definitely showcase your 500 yard white receiver over, I dunno, THE DYNAMIC FRANCHISE QB YOU JUST DRAFTED!
No, wait, scratch that… I don’t want Anthony Richardson subjected to this trash-ass uniform. I’m glad Peyton Manning never had to put on this mess.
Burn the stock and start over. I know it’ll cost money, but at least it means we can erase these uniforms from our memory.
