‘The Valley’: The Dreaded ‘Vanderpump’ Spinoff Has Arrived

Bravo has long been the home of middle-aged women with no self-awareness, but has also adopted younger groups of sociopaths along the way. The Valley exists somewhere in between the network’s typical fare. It’s a calmer, less hookup-based entry than Summer House and its predecessor, Vanderpump Rules. But, unlike the Real Housewives franchise, there’s no glitz or glamour. It’s really more of a busted-up Desperate Housewives, featuring a group of suburban couples with drama bubbling underneath the surface—but unlike those scripted couples, there’s not even a facade of perfection here. It’s all mess, all the time in The Valley.

Doubling up on Vanderpump Rules content after the ratings explosion the mothership experienced with the Scandoval, Bravo rescued Jax Taylor, his wife Brittany Cartwright, and Kristen Doute from reality TV purgatory. Along these veteran psychos comes a group of new couples—including Kristen’s latest boyfriend Luke—all of whom pale in comparison to the professionals in the premiere. But reality TV isn’t a scripted endeavor where the writers put their best foot forward in the pilot.

Instead, you just have to have faith that the production team has found a group of nightmarish, delusional weirdos who are incapable of anything but insanity, something the veterans have all proven of themselves with their VPR tenure. The logline of this group of 30- and 40-somethings taking a “shot at adulting” is uninspiring, as is all the young parent footage in the pilot, but trust and believe the mind of Jax Taylor can declass any room until it stinks of TV perfection. This has potential to be Bravo’s darkest entry in years, and I say that as a major compliment.

The Valley introduces us to a plethora of new faces. We first meet Danny and Nia Booko, a former actor and Miss USA with three young children. When Danny mentioned how we’ll probably recognize him from his acting career, I scoffed. But when a picture of young Danny popped up, I realized I do in fact recognize Mr. Booko. While his roles were few and far between, he did play the “idiot” in the iCarly episode “iHire an Idiot,” in which Carly struggles to fire an idiot because he’s very hot and always shirtless. A Vanderpump Rules spinoff has clearly been in his destiny since day one.

Then there’s Michelle and Jesse Lally. The two have tension from their first moment on screen, so it’s not surprising that they’ve already separated post-season. It’s doubly unsurprising given Jesse is Jax’s former roommate and shares much of Jax’s insidious energy. Dare I say, he somehow has less boyish charm masking his deeply disturbed exterior. I fear we could be in for an even more diabolical run with this man. I didn’t get a sense of Michelle other than that she hates her husband and perhaps her life.

Jax and Brittany have also separated post-filming—or so they claim. The verdict’s still out on the reality of the situation as the timing is convenient, to say the least. But if it’s real, two out of the four couples that make up The Valley have since split, and somehow none of the breakups include Kristen Doute. Queen of stability in a new era, I know that’s right. Of course, that new era involves being evicted by her on-again, off-again ex and then rebounding with current boyfriend Luke by having sex behind a tent at someone else’s wedding. Oh, and he’s “an entrepreneur at heart” and lives in Colorado full-time despite the fact the two are trying for a baby. The healing journey is not without its bumps in the road.

We also meet Jason and Janet Caperna, who seem relatively normal so far… almost too normal. Is it possible Bravo cast a nice, normie couple to contrast the cast’s firestarters? Most certainly. But I won’t be fooled just yet. They have Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix energy, and we all saw how that ended.

Alongside the series regulars are recurring cast members Jasmine Goode (of Bachelor Nation fame), a former Surver, and Zack Wickham, Brittany’s friend from college. Now, I have to point out that a 2024 TV show having a Black best friend and gay sidekick as recurring members to the main cast is more than a little reductive. For a network with such a diverse, queer audience, you’d think Bravo may have tried to find a single queer couple to grace the show, or at least given full-time status to these friends. I’m sure there’s a deeply deranged gay couple in the Valley with a strong TV presence. But alas… The consolation is that no one on Bravo has ever been cast to be a good person, so maybe this show is anti-heterosexual marriage propaganda. Bravo’s gone woke!

Bravo’s casting team did do a good job of connecting the cast, though. Season 1 casts are make or break. Some, like the initial Vanderpump Rules crew and The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, are lightning in a bottle. Others, like the recently rebooted cast of The Real Housewives of New York City, feel like a randomly thrown together breakout room in a Zoom call. So far, The Valley lacks the immediate chaos of early VPR, but the pieces are all there.

That’s best shown in the first all-cast event, a pool party at Jax and Brittany’s house to celebrate Janet’s birthday. After spending the entire episode spiraling out over the thought of Kristen having kids, Jax randomly pulls Danny’s pants down, ruining a couples photo. It’s the act of a man who peaked as the middle school class clown, something wonderfully exemplary of Jax’s character. But it’s in the aftermath when the scene becomes hilarious. Nia becomes distraught, exiting the scene to bawl alone that her husband was pantsed.

“Jax just came over and pulled Daniel’s pants off. Like, who does something like that?” she says as the other ladies shrug it off, knowing full-well that this doesn’t land in the top 100 most depraved Jax Taylor acts.

While the premiere shows promise in this moment, there are many moments of concern. For one, casting an entire group of young parents is a bold choice given Housewives pregnancies are often a dreaded trope. Newborn babies do not have the TV presence of a young Milania Giudice, unfortunately, making home scenes a snore.

And the golf scene between the guys is trying. Jax’s uncontrollable pot stirring at least makes the scene watchable, though, as he grills Luke over his intentions with Kristen. Honestly, this show is for the Kristen/Jax forbidden love shippers, because I can’t justify why he’d care so much if not for the fact he’s secretly in love with Kristen. Maybe now that he and Brittany are on the rocks, he and Kristen can rekindle their love connection. Maybe they already have…

To be fair, though, the moment where Zack says “Oh my god, Janet loves hot dogs.” as Janet poses for a photo with a hotdog was kind of TV greatness. It doesn’t take a lot to entertain me, evidently.

That’s all to say, there’s a lot bubbling right under the surface of The Valley. While the premiere’s a humdrum affair, the potential is all there for a salacious season. I loved to see Scheana Shay (and Lala Kent, to a lesser extent) at the party, as she’s just a magnet for entertainment. With Scheana buying a home in The Valley, I’m curious if she’ll jump ship to this show, or if Bravo will have her do double-duty in some capacity.

The season trailer promises classic Kristen explosions, marital dysfunction all over the place, and the ultra-aware scripted one liners of a gay man who’s waited his whole life to be on TV. I personally love the awkwardness of, “She is the Queen of England because she’s dead to me!” Nothing like a forced line that you’ve practiced in the mirror. It’s unlikely The Valley will reinvent the wheel, but it’s certainly good enough to give a chance.

This post was originally published on Daily Beast