Our marriage was rooted in friendship — and that’s still solid today

Five years ago, after 27 years together and almost 20 years of marriage, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. We rarely argued, and we always enjoyed each other’s company. But as the years stretched on and we raised our two kids, it became increasingly clear to me that our marriage weighed too heavily on friendship and not enough on other kinds of connection.

I was no longer the same person I had been when we met when I was 18. I couldn’t see myself coasting along and settling for the rest of our lives. I wanted to release us both back into the wild for the chance to find something more. That may sound selfish to some, but my intention was absolutely the opposite.

We went through the divorce process during the early days of the pandemic, and we were locked down together — luckily, we did get along so well. Five years later, we remain dedicated co-parents and great friends. He’s been part of my life for three decades, and I couldn’t imagine cutting him out of it because our marriage ended. I give him cooking tips, and he helps me repair things. We send each other funny memes and attend our son’s sporting events together, and we even stay for dinner at each other’s places sometimes during our weekly drop-offs with our kids, aged 20 and 17.

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If you met us, you probably wouldn’t even guess we were divorced. It’s so ironic that the very factor for me wanting to end our marriage is the glue that holds our current relationship together. But as normal as it seems to us, some people just can’t grasp the concept of a friendly divorce.

Amicably divorced spouses are more common than you think

These days, situations like ours are way more the norm than they used to be. I know a divorced couple who are not only best friends, but who plan on living in the same house until their kids graduate from college. During a recent girls’ trip, my best friend’s friendly ex-husband texted her a picture of his new baby.

Arrangements like these prove that divorce doesn’t need to be vicious or ugly. Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. Some just have a limited shelf life; they serve their purpose until they no longer do. And yes, I know there are those who would argue that you need to press on and make it work, or live in limbo if you can’t. But if you’re certain it’s not what you want, I don’t think that scenario is healthy for you, your spouse, or your kids.

Soon after they heard about our split, my best friend from high school and her husband, who my ex and I have both known for more than three decades, told me they planned on remaining friends with both of us. I obviously supported that, and to this day, we all hang out around the holidays. Ditto for another close friend who I’ve known since birth, who hangs out with both my ex and me when she visits from Philly. After all, friends weren’t part of the settlement. We didn’t have to divvy them up like we did the furniture.

Some people are left scratching their heads at our relationship

But not everyone gets it. When I told others in my various circles about our split, I felt like I immediately needed to follow it with the disclaimer “…but we’re still good friends” to stave off the quizzical stares and inevitable “I’m sorry”s. I told them there was no need to be sorry, that this was the outcome I wanted. It was almost as if it would have been easier if I’d come to them wringing my hands because we hadn’t been getting along — people know how to sympathize with conflict.

Some didn’t know what to say, so they stayed silent. Most of the members of an organization for which I’ve volunteered for more than 25 years never reached out after I sent a very personal email. Others seemed to be incredulous that ex-spouses could actually be this friendly with one another. Maybe they thought I was overselling cordiality, I don’t know.

The unspoken question seemed to be, “If they’re still that close, then why aren’t they still married?” According to my therapist, some people can act a little standoffish toward their newly single friends because they’re worried that divorce can “rub off” on them. If our marriage ended because of what it wasn’t, yet we still have a close relationship, they might start to wonder if the same could happen to them.

Not surprisingly, the invites for couples’ events quickly dried up. I get that, to some degree. If I put myself in their place, I probably would have felt some awkwardness, or maybe thought that I needed to “choose sides.” But it doesn’t have to be like that.

However, true friends understand our new reality

My ex and I have both found love again, and we’re obviously supportive of our respective relationships. But that doesn’t mean I view our marriage as a failure, just one that ran its course. We took a vow “to love and to cherish,” and we still are, in a different way.

I run my life on the idea that “you only get one life, and it’s short,” which was the catalyst for my divorce. Despite everything, I still believe our marriage was meant to be, not just meant to be forever. The friends who get that, get it.