It’s hard to believe that we’re at Puppy Bowl XX. Yes, that’s 20 YEARS of the Puppy Bowl airing on Animal Planet as a prelude to the NFL’s biggest game. The tangentially-related dog extravaganza is just an opportunity to watch dogs play on TV, but this time with toys that are shaped like footballs.
The entire dog roster for the Puppy Bowl is, frankly, overwhelming. A total of 119 dogs will rotated in and out of the “game,” to maximize exposure for the rescue dogs looking for their forever homes. I’m of the opinion that all dogs are good dogs, but some dogs are objectively better than others. Today we’re ranking the starting dogs of Puppy Bowl XX.
No. 1: Cronut
JUST LOOK AT CRONUT! I am obsessed with a dog with a name that sparks the imagination, and with all those folds Cronut looks exactly like a cronut.
No. 2: Levi
Look at Levi. This is a dog that’s seen some shit. Great Danes always look like grizzled old men, but the addition of those piercing eyes pushes him over the edge.
No. 3: Guy Fureri
I can’t put my finger on why this dog actually looks like Guy Fieri, but it does. I don’t know how it’ll play football with hair covering its eyes, but I believe in him.
No. 4: Francine
There is nothing particularly special about Francine, but Pug eyes will make me laugh every… single… time.
No. 5: Bark Purdy
You are just absolutely adorable. Just like Brock Purdy.
No. 6: Sonny
You look like a little Cattle Dog, Sonny… but you’re just a little guy. Good dog.
No. 7: Fred
This dog might be an Ewok. I like Fred.
No. 8: Harvey
Not quite top-tier Pug eyes, but a great underbite.
No. 9: Moosh
That two-tone nose makes Moosh a star.
No. 10: Vanessa
I hope that matted fur isn’t from crying. I couldn’t handle that.
No. 11: Stryker
Good boy. Lacks confidence, which hurts overall ranking.
No. 12: Beignet
I like you, and I like your little ascot — but you don’t look like a Beignet. Points lost for not being boudin.
No. 13: Linus
Linus is fine.
No. 14: Patrick Mabones
Patrick Mahomes definitely got let down on his dog pun equivalent. Mabones is a solid pup, but just doesn’t do anything to stand out from the crowd.
No. 15: Lady Luck
Very cute, but something about Lady Luck tells me she’s a mean girl in disguise.
No. 16: Mr. Bean
Mr. Bean bites. I just know it.
How to watch
If you’re just dying for some puppy football action, here’s the details for Sunday.
Date/Time: Sunday, Feb. 11 — 2 p.m. ET
Channel: Animal Planet and Discovery
Streaming: Max
Radio: There’s no radio for dog football. Don’t be silly.
