We’re now living in the artificial intelligence era — and not always in the fun way. I don’t really worry about some existential, robot-led revolt like The Terminator, but man is it depressing to see dopes gleefully talk about which jobs can be phased out by A.I. without thinking about societal collapse.
Anyway, enough world-ending dread for a second, because A.I. CAN ALSO CREATE MASCOTS! Who doesn’t love a good mascot? Who doesn’t love a bad mascot? We all love mascots, and when @GaryGates on Twitter said he asked A.I. to redesign every mascot in the NFL we got a mix of adorable creatures that far surpass their NFL counterparts, and also “Newt” the Giants new mascot who I hate. Let’s dive in.
The best
Bengals
Okay, so this is basic a royalty-free Garfield. Actually, this might be Garfield if Jon fed him Skyline Chili instead of Lasagna. I don’t really know what’s happening with the weird fur boa covering his junk, but I didn’t need to see knockoff Garfield’s penis anyway.
Browns
This fits the bill as best one of the best and worst mascots on this list. I have no idea what this is supposed to be. Best I can assume it’s a potato who went into the witness protection program. What did this potato know? Who did it work for? Why would it be placed in a new, highly-visible job by the FBI? There’s a lot of mystery to unpack here — and that’s why I like it.
Raiders
This mascot slaps so hard that I don’t even care that it’s shirt says “RAWERED S.” It’s a friendly skeleton buddy that both says “hey, let’s party” and also “we’re all going to die soon, but it’s okay because it means no more disappointment from the Raiders.” This already feels like something you’d see on a tequila bottle, and that tracks.
Bears
I’m a huge fan of this. I love the simplicity of a bear who doesn’t even have real branding on his shirt. The only part I’m not sure about is the face, which looks like a sex offender who just realized Chris Hanson walked through the door.
Buccaneers
I don’t know what this thing is, and I don’t care. This is some serious “background character in The Mandalorian” shit, and it’s still vastly better than a boring pirate. Space pirates >>> old pirates. No notes, make this the mascot today.
Cowboys
Perfect. No notes.
The worst
Giants
This is Newt. I hate Newt. This feels like it’s racist towards some class of people, but I can’t put my finger on it. I get that they’re the New York Giants, but I did not need a weird red-headed Andre The Giant in my life. Kill Newt.
Patriots
This feels like one of those WWII propaganda posters where both the Allies and Axis depicted each other as these goblin-like monsters. I hate this with ever fiber of my being, and don’t want to talk about it too much more because it might wake me up like the Babadook.
Titans
I hate this. The face alone is like an ancient tome that if you stare at for too long you’ll lose your sanity. It has two weird faces, a metal body and …. God, I hate that face. I need to move on.
49ers
No. Absolutely not. No. I will not abide by a weird diaper baby stumbling around the field with its two teeth screeching “baby want cweamed corn!” while grasping at people with its fingerless hook hands. Just an abomination.