We don’t know about you, but our attention spans are equivalent to that of a goldfish, or maybe a peanut—no shade to Mr. Peanut. Focusing on what someone is saying at the dinner table is difficult enough, so how are we supposed to grind away at work to the best of our ability? We need help. Our caffeine tolerance has plummeted as our existential anxiety has grown, and our nervous systems are screaming at us to put down the cold brew.
Holistic folks may recommend mindfulness and exercise, but we don’t have time to jet off to a yoga retreat in Utah. We lack patience and we need something now, dammit. Weed is too strong (and makes us want to order a gratuitous amount of Taco Bell), while those adaptogenic seltzers leave us largely unimpressed.
A new day has come, however, and ASYSTEM, maker of a wide array of interesting wellness products (including “Libido Gummies” and a TikTok-famous, yassified menthol CBD roll-on pain relief goo), has now released Productivity Gummies.
Do we want to be more productive? Why not? So with that in mind, we wanted to know more about these all-natural gummies that promote ~*flow state*~ and claim to help you become sharp as a whip when you have to buckle down to focus. So, what’s in them? Apparently, a potent formula of Suntheanine (aka L-theanine, a compound commonly found in tea that boosts both alertness and calmness; these gummies contain 20 times as much as a cup of green tea); lion’s mane mushroom; and Huperzine A, which (we Googled it for you) is a chemical derived from Chinese moss that’s supposed to improve memory and “thinking.” All this is what sends you to a euphoric state of productivity for up to eight hours, according to ASYSTEM, which also says you should be prepared tofeel something within 30 minutes of consumption and claims you won’t get the caffeine crash.
The gummies also infused with vitamins B3 and B12, and yes, there is some caffeine—in the form of NewCaff, a microencapsulated caffeine which creates a sustained release of energy instead of that jittery spike we didn’t ask for. Do we truly understand what NewCaff is? No. But it sounds like Bulletproof Coffee minus having to drink melted butter.
According to ASYSTEM, this curious batch of ingredients works together to synergistically activate alpha brain waves for a tranquil and focused mental state. Are we curious? Sure—if something can break our cycle of losing hours on social media and then frantically trying to meet work deadlines, sign us up. If you’re looking to dip your metaphorical toe in the Productivity Gummies ball pit, you can either choose a one-time delivery, or save a little bit extra with a monthly subscription for 11% off.
So, do they work? We haven’t tried them (yet), but for what it’s worth, these gummies have a 4.8-out-of-five star rating on ASYSTEM’s website, with one reviewer saying they really helped with prepping for an interview. “Used these before an important interview and felt so focused and on the ball,” the reviewer wrote. “Perfect to break me out of the 3 p.m. slump.” Personally, we try to avoid any exciting new mind-altering substances before job interviews, but these don’t sound too crazy and we’re glad that someone else was willing to be the guinea pig.
No matter how you get there, we hope you find your ~*flow state*~, rise and grind, and secure the bag. Get that bread.
Productivity Gummies are available for purchase at ASYSTEM.
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