Alright, Valentine’s Day is coming sooner than you think, you procrastinating jabroni. Try as we might to pretend that we’re judging, the truth is that we’ve all been in Crunch Time before, desperately trying to identify a gift that will say just the right sweet nothings to our awaiting beloved, and none of the wrong ones. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the ol’ flowers, lingerie, and candy, some of us are a little freakier, and would rather have to watch the cringiest moments of Catfish: The TV Show for time eternal than come across as a boring, cliché know-nothing with our Valentine’s Day gifts.
It’s nearly February, meaning it’s time to pull it together and order something that will arrive on time/won’t stress you out with shipping. But if you’re blanking and in need of direction, here are 29 unapologetically, unique Valentine’s Day gift ideas for him, her, them, or whomever this year. A Grateful Dead beer sling? Check. Personalized erotica? Check. A bouquet of salami? Check. When we say unique, we mean it.
OK, so they don’t actually taste like Neopolitan ice cream (although a candy G-string is always a classic). But we stan a partner who understands why that would probably be bad for your intimate flora. Grab the triple-scoop set while it’s 50% off.
The La Mer of lube
If you’ve never heard of Überlube, welcome. The silicone-based lubricant is one of the best luxury lubes out there, and has earned a 4.6-star average rating from over 33,400 ratings on Amazon for its ability to smooth your tube. As one reviewer writes, “[It’s] super silky feeling and is not sticky. A little goes a long way and is the best for backdoor play too.”
A natural wine subscription
Wine subscriptions have long been a thing, but for the boo who likes the small, natural winemakers doing bodacious, biodynamic things, MYSA‘s wine club is key.
… Or an alcohol-free wine subscription
We know that of course some peeps don’t drink at all, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like trying new non-alcoholic bevs. Grab Acid League’s Proxies subscription and let them try a grip of alcohol-free wines that offer the same highbrow sipping experience as traditional oenophilic endeavors.
“Gingerly [YOUR NAME] reached betwixt the linen sheets, stroking their member with all the aplomb of a wise but wary bridge troll.” (Or something like that.)
A salami bouquet
Non-boring bouquets only, mate. Your boo can stop and smell the roses any day, but how often will they have the pleasure—the privilege—of smelling the saucisson? These triad of salami logs from Olympia Provisions is a symphony of meat from some of the sexiest corners of Europe, including Italy, France, and Spain.
The ultimate pickle gift box
They say they love pickles. It’s time to test their commitment to their love of vinegar-soaked vegetables with this comprehensive pickle gift box, The Big Dill, positively loaded with briney wonders.
An izakaya for their cat
For the cat owner for whom no accessory is too much, this cardboard izakaya where your cat can both scratch cardboard and bartend tiny bottles of Asahi is honestly genius.
A TikTok-famous fancy toaster
The Balmuda is no ordinary toaster; it has a crazy steaming function that makes your toast caramelized and crisp on the outside, doughy and moist on the inside. There’s a reason it’s internet-famous: It’s pretty much magical.
Beautiful sex toys
A giant can of Castelvetrano olives
As the old adage goes, you will certainly not regret eating 30 to 40 olives. Especially if they’re Castelvetranos, the absolute best snacking variety. This is a gift that isn’t for everyone, but is perfect for the right one.
Tea for better sleep and psychedelic dreams
Are they always the “I can’t remember my dream” type when you’re trying to do cute subconscious-spelunking pillow talk in the morning? Get them this herb-infused tea that’s supposed to ramp things up a little in the ol’ REM realm.
Do I make you horny, baby? How about after a few cups filled with this horny dust? Moon Juice’s Sex Dust features “a stimulating blend of adaptogens and herbs that target stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy.” Whet your whistle for some Shatavari, Shilajit, Epimedium, Schisandra, Cacao, and Maca. LFG!
A made-to-order personalized song
No guarantee that it will be a banger, but surely it will be a slapper in spirit.
A tactical crossbow
A cookie for your cookie? Yes.
An electrocution game
A fave party activity of our senior staff writer, this invigorating and oddly sexy board game will zap you if you’re too slow, sucker.
A body pillow that’s more jacked than you could ever be (sorry)
They wanted a muscle man, and they got you. But they can have it all!
A Grateful Dead beverage holder
They used to love Cro-Mags and Madball, now they’re all about chasing around Dead & Co. whenever they get the chance. Bestow your lucky giftee with this wizard stick beverage sling, which stacks up to six canned beverages in its groovy shaft. It’s the perfect Deadhead gift for that dude/dudette who will always run on Jerry Time.
A machine for making DIY plant milks
They love oat milk like it’s their child, live off almond milk lattes, and have recently gotten into making cashew cheese in their Vitamix blender. This highly rated non-dairy milk maker is the next logical step—kind of like a more practical, adult Easy Bake oven.
A goddamn beautiful turntable
Swoon. Those Cocteau Twins records are gonna sound amazing on this beaut record player that one of our editors called, “[an] excellent record player for mid- to serious-level collectors” in her VICE review. It’s easy to put together, connects to your own speakers (either by Bluetooth or a provided cable) and keeps the dust away with its transparent cover.
A sick AF “Pepto Bismol” guitar
For the boo who lives to shred and has IBS, this vintage Bepto Bismol shredder is the dreams are made of.
A hydro-powered Bluetooth shower speaker
For the shower podcast-listener or Frank Ocean crooner, this nifty, waterproof Bluetooth speaker installs by suction, and has great sound quality according to over 4,500 (mostly glowing) reviews.
A very Bauhaus coffee experience
Want to feel like you’re in the second season of The White Lotus with all of the swag and none of the treachery? Of course you do. Look no further than this very ~aesthetic~ coffee maker by the iconic Italian design house Alessi.
A huge book full of incredible fantasy art
This XXL Taschen book is for fans of science fiction, artists looking for inspiration, or just people who like to get worked up at the sight of loincloths and alien babes.
Put a ring on it
Here’s an idea: take your hunny to beautiful park, and slide this fashionable flask on her wrist during sunset. There’s no better way to enjoy a Baja Blast à emporter.
Say it with Japanese snacks
They live and breathe matcha cookie rolls, would die for yuzu drinks, and are addicted to mochi. This is the Umamicart subscription gift box for them. For about $120 clams, you can get them three whole months of eclectic snackeronis.
Nothing but love for our President, Pammy.
Bring the spa to them
We aspire to Goop-worthy levels of spa attendance, but we also just want to find a reason to invest in a swanky at-home sauna, such as this highly-rated infrared sauna. As one Wayfair reviewer writes, it’s easy to assemble and “[gets] hot super fast and stays hot.” Perfect for Valentine’s Day (and every winter day for the next few months).
Congrats on being the most creative partner ever. Enjoy the cred.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.