The Best Unique Valentine’s Gifts That They’ll Never See Coming

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Alright, Valentine’s Day is coming sooner than you think, you procrastinating jabroni. Try as we might to pretend that we’re judging, the truth is that we’ve all been in Crunch Time before, desperately trying to identify a gift that will say just the right sweet nothings to our awaiting beloved, and none of the wrong ones. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the ol’ flowers, lingerie, and candy, some of us are a little freakier, and would rather have to watch the cringiest moments of Catfish: The TV Show for time eternal than come across as a boring, cliché know-nothing with our Valentine’s Day gifts.

It’s nearly February, meaning it’s time to pull it together and order something that will arrive on time/won’t stress you out with shipping. But if you’re blanking and in need of direction, here are 29 unapologetically, unique Valentine’s Day gift ideas for him, her, them, or whomever this year. A Grateful Dead beer sling? Check. Personalized erotica? Check. A bouquet of salami? Check. When we say unique, we mean it.

Neopolitan-flavored undies

OK, so they don’t actually taste like Neopolitan ice cream (although a candy G-string is always a classic). But we stan a partner who understands why that would probably be bad for your intimate flora. Grab the triple-scoop set while it’s 50% off.


$148$74 at Fleur Du Mal


$148$74 at Fleur Du Mal

The La Mer of lube

If you’ve never heard of Überlube, welcome. The silicone-based lubricant is one of the best luxury lubes out there, and has earned a 4.6-star average rating from over 33,400 ratings on Amazon for its ability to smooth your tube. As one reviewer writes, “[It’s] super silky feeling and is not sticky. A little goes a long way and is the best for backdoor play too.”


$19.99 at Amazon


$19.99 at Amazon

A natural wine subscription

Wine subscriptions have long been a thing, but for the boo who likes the small, natural winemakers doing bodacious, biodynamic things, MYSA‘s wine club is key. 


$254.85 at MYSA


$254.85 at MYSA

… Or an alcohol-free wine subscription

We know that of course some peeps don’t drink at all, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like trying new non-alcoholic bevs. Grab Acid League’s Proxies subscription and let them try a grip of alcohol-free wines that offer the same highbrow sipping experience as traditional oenophilic endeavors.


$98$94 at Proxies


$98$94 at Proxies

Personalized erotica

“Gingerly [YOUR NAME] reached betwixt the linen sheets, stroking their member with all the aplomb of a wise but wary bridge troll.” (Or something like that.)


$20 at Etsy


$20 at Etsy

A salami bouquet

Non-boring bouquets only, mate. Your boo can stop and smell the roses any day, but how often will they have the pleasure—the privilege—of smelling the saucisson? These triad of salami logs from Olympia Provisions is a symphony of meat from some of the sexiest corners of Europe, including Italy, France, and Spain.


$50 at Bespoke Post


$50 at Bespoke Post

The ultimate pickle gift box

They say they love pickles. It’s time to test their commitment to their love of vinegar-soaked vegetables with this comprehensive pickle gift box, The Big Dill, positively loaded with briney wonders.


$132.50 at Mouth


$132.50 at Mouth

An izakaya for their cat

For the cat owner for whom no accessory is too much, this cardboard izakaya where your cat can both scratch cardboard and bartend tiny bottles of Asahi is honestly genius.


$47 at Amazon


$47 at Amazon

A TikTok-famous fancy toaster

The Balmuda is no ordinary toaster; it has a crazy steaming function that makes your toast caramelized and crisp on the outside, doughy and moist on the inside. There’s a reason it’s internet-famous: It’s pretty much magical. 


$299 at Amazon


$299 at Amazon

Beautiful sex toys

Have you seen sex toys lately? They’re beautiful. Sailor Moon-worthy, even. Why not anoint your beloved with this glass dildo, and strengthen your bond? It will look great on their nighstand.


$39.99 at Lovehoney


$39.99 at Lovehoney

A giant can of Castelvetrano olives

As the old adage goes, you will certainly not regret eating 30 to 40 olives. Especially if they’re Castelvetranos, the absolute best snacking variety. This is a gift that isn’t for everyone, but is perfect for the right one. 


$49.86 at Amazon


$49.86 at Amazon

Tea for better sleep and psychedelic dreams

Are they always the “I can’t remember my dream” type when you’re trying to do cute subconscious-spelunking pillow talk in the morning? Get them this herb-infused tea that’s supposed to ramp things up a little in the ol’ REM realm. 


$22 at The Alchemist’s Kitchen


$22 at The Alchemist’s Kitchen

Sex Dust

Do I make you horny, baby? How about after a few cups filled with this horny dust? Moon Juice’s Sex Dust features “a stimulating blend of adaptogens and herbs that target stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy.” Whet your whistle for some Shatavari, Shilajit, Epimedium, Schisandra, Cacao, and Maca. LFG!


$38 at Moon Juice


$38 at Moon Juice

A made-to-order personalized song

No guarantee that it will be a banger, but surely it will be a slapper in spirit. 


$100 at Uncommon Goods


$100 at Uncommon Goods

A tactical crossbow

A real cute gift for your sweetheart who loves Elden Ring and/or Doomsday prepping, but definitely not to be given to anyone whom you have even a minute chance of cheating on (and them finding out). 


$95.95 at Amazon


$95.95 at Amazon

Delicious accessories

A cookie for your cookie? Yes.


$475$328 at SSENSE


$475$328 at SSENSE

An electrocution game

A fave party activity of our senior staff writer, this invigorating and oddly sexy board game will zap you if you’re too slow, sucker. 


$49.99$44.99 at Amazon


$49.99$44.99 at Amazon

A body pillow that’s more jacked than you could ever be (sorry)

They wanted a muscle man, and they got you. But they can have it all! 


$63.99 at Wayfair


$63.99 at Wayfair

A Grateful Dead beverage holder

They used to love Cro-Mags and Madball, now they’re all about chasing around Dead & Co. whenever they get the chance. Bestow your lucky giftee with this wizard stick beverage sling, which stacks up to six canned beverages in its groovy shaft. It’s the perfect Deadhead gift for that dude/dudette who will always run on Jerry Time.


$45$22.50 at Nixon


$45$22.50 at Nixon

A machine for making DIY plant milks

They love oat milk like it’s their child, live off almond milk lattes, and have recently gotten into making cashew cheese in their Vitamix blender. This highly rated non-dairy milk maker is the next logical step—kind of like a more practical, adult Easy Bake oven.


$259.95 at Amazon


$259.95 at Amazon

A goddamn beautiful turntable

Swoon. Those Cocteau Twins records are gonna sound amazing on this beaut record player that one of our editors called, “[an] excellent record player for mid- to serious-level collectors” in her VICE review. It’s easy to put together, connects to your own speakers (either by Bluetooth or a provided cable) and keeps the dust away with its transparent cover.


$219 at Amazon


$219 at Amazon

A sick AF “Pepto Bismol” guitar

For the boo who lives to shred and has IBS, this vintage Bepto Bismol shredder is the dreams are made of.


$1399$1119.20 at Reverb


$1399$1119.20 at Reverb

A hydro-powered Bluetooth shower speaker

For the shower podcast-listener or Frank Ocean crooner, this nifty, waterproof Bluetooth speaker installs by suction, and has great sound quality according to over 4,500 (mostly glowing) reviews.


$36.99$25.99 at Amazon


$36.99$25.99 at Amazon

A very Bauhaus coffee experience

Want to feel like you’re in the second season of The White Lotus with all of the swag and none of the treachery? Of course you do. Look no further than this very ~aesthetic~ coffee maker by the iconic Italian design house Alessi.


$89.07 at Amazon


$89.07 at Amazon

A huge book full of incredible fantasy art

This XXL Taschen book is for fans of science fiction, artists looking for inspiration, or just people who like to get worked up at the sight of loincloths and alien babes.


$174 at Amazon


$174 at Amazon

Put a ring on it

Here’s an idea: take your hunny to beautiful park, and slide this fashionable flask on her wrist during sunset. There’s no better way to enjoy a Baja Blast à emporter.


$15.99 at Amazon


$15.99 at Amazon

Say it with Japanese snacks

They live and breathe matcha cookie rolls, would die for yuzu drinks, and are addicted to mochi. This is the Umamicart subscription gift box for them. For about $120 clams, you can get them three whole months of eclectic snackeronis. 


$122.97 at Umamicart


$122.97 at Umamicart

Stan Pam

Nothing but love for our President, Pammy.


$22.80 at Etsy


$22.80 at Etsy

Bring the spa to them

We aspire to Goop-worthy levels of spa attendance, but we also just want to find a reason to invest in a swanky at-home sauna, such as this highly-rated infrared sauna. As one Wayfair reviewer writes, it’s easy to assemble and “[gets] hot super fast and stays hot.” Perfect for Valentine’s Day (and every winter day for the next few months).


$1799.99$1529.99 at Wayfair


$1799.99$1529.99 at Wayfair

Congrats on being the most creative partner ever. Enjoy the cred.


The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.

This post was originally published on Vice

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